He hated the word stupid! He wouldn’t tolerate it in any form, not even from his friends. That probably could be the reason Ikenna Elijah, an undergraduate of a popular Nigerian university had gotten into a fight with his roommate. The fight had been so serious that he refused to be pacified by other students. The problem was that his friend called him ‘stupid’! His argument was that he had warned his roommate on several occasions against calling him stupid but it appeared his friend enjoyed calling him that; “any little argument between us, even when joking, he called me ‘stupid.’ He got used to saying stupid to me because he knew how much I detested that word. It means that he was bullying me and I could no longer tolerate it,” he said. The calm and amiable Elijah had to explain his reason for hatred of that particular choice of word-‘Stupid.’ He said his father had no other language for him other than Stupid! “My father called me all sort of names but stupid was the most consistent, probably because of my calm and slow nature,” he said.
This somehow affected Elijah psyche and personal esteem that he rarely believed people’s words when they showered praises on him! Although I.K as he was fondly called was very calm and composed on the surface, he had a strong internal conflict clashing with the external, thereby leading to emotional imbalance for him. He strongly believed that his father took pleasure in seeing him fail. Iyke Simon was another young man who could not see himself beyond being a moron because that was what his parents called him. The 21-year-old undergraduate behaved in such a manner that even his friends couldn’t help but make jest of him all the time. “At times, my course mates would call me to a circle just to make them laugh,” he said. Simon narrated that started when he was a child, he would cry back to his parents whenever his play mates fight him and gained upper hand. “My mom would shout at me to go and fight back.
She would say, “I did not give birth to you to become a moron.” To every statement she made to me, she usually ended it calling me,’Moron’! The two persons mentioned above are just a few out of many kids, teenagers and possibly adults who suffered such lots in life. They suffered emotional pain due to the words their parents used on them. At times, the children even act the so-called names thereby becoming subject of ridicule to their mates and friends.
According to Gbemisola Theresa, a guidance counselor, parents and guardians are children’s first role models, even before the society, school and religion comes in. And whatever a child believes from childhood to young age, takes a long time to wipe off depending on a outer and superior influence. She added that although there are the annoying moments and parents could be tempted to say something that is unpleasant. This she said could be termed verbal abuse which she said is very common in this part of the world. “Parents mostly unconsciously, are verbally abusive to their children.” She said. According to a new study by the Wall Street Journal, Parents who yell at their adolescent children for misbehaving can cause some of the same problems as hitting them would, including increased risk of depression and aggressive behavior. Another study conducted by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh and the University of Michigan, said good, solid and warm relationship with parents does not protect teens from the negative effects of parents’ yelling, cursing or lobbing insults, such as calling teens “lazy” or “stupid,” the study found.
Timothy Verduin, an international based clinical assistant professor of child and adolescent psychiatry, said parents can effectively discipline kids by taking away privileges, such as screen time or the car keys. “Make sure you do it without attaching a ton of critical, punitive, insulting kinds of language to it,” he said. “You feel a lot more responsible for your behavior when you’re being corrected by someone you respect and admire. Anything you do to berate or shame a kid erodes that power you have,” he added. The study followed 976 twoparent families, with children assessed at ages 13 and 14. Researchers asked kids various survey questions to appraise their behavior problems, depression symptoms and the warmth of the relationship with their parents.
Parents completed surveys to gauge their use of harsh verbal discipline. When their children were 13, about 45 per cent of participating mothers and 42 per cent of fathers said they had used harsh verbal discipline with their child during the past year. Those kids whose parents used higher levels of harsh verbal discipline when their children were 13 experienced larger increases in behavior problems the next year, including fighting with peers, trouble in school and lying to parents, as well as symptoms of depression. The increases were similar if parents used harsh verbal discipline or physical approaches such as pushing or spanking. The degree of warmth of the parentchild relationship outside of any altercations didn’t alter the negative effects of the harsh verbal discipline
. Kids’ behaviour problems also led parents to increase their use of harsh verbal discipline tactics, fueling an escalating cycle, the study found. A new study by Florida State University researchers has found that people who were verbally abused as children grow up to be self-critical adults prone to depression and anxiety. People who were verbally abused had 1.6 times as many symptoms of depression and anxiety as those who had not been verbally abused and were twice as likely to have suffered a mood or anxiety disorder over their lifetime. According to Sachs- Ericsson,who co-authored a study, published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, parents may have learned this style of parenting from their own parents, or they simply may be unaware of positive ways to motivate or discipline their children. “They may also have a psychiatric or personality disorder that interferes with their parenting abilities,” he said.
He explained further that children tend to believe the negative things they hear, and they begin to use those negative statements as explanations for anything that goes wrong. For instance, a child who does not get invited to a party or does poorly on a test will think the reason is because he or she is no good if that is the message conveyed by a parent. This pattern of self-criticism continues into adulthood and has been shown to make an individual more prone to depression and anxiety.
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