Real talk. Being a single grown ass woman who is wide open to not dying alone and romantically bankrupt while simultaneously pursuing her dreams and the very things she was put on this planet to accomplish, often feels like a straight up balancing act of NOPE.
Like, we all know it’s possible because we’ve seen the elusive sexiness of it work for some woman somewhere in some are-you-even-a-real-human-being-though mind fee-yawk of life, but we have no honest-to-God idea how to jump on that gravy train. Instead, most of us throw an internal bitch fit of complaints and excuses about why these two phenomena are mutually exclusive and then wonder why we’re riding on such a cute self-fulfilled prophetic hell wagon.
Well here’s the good news: Dating (as in dating well and dating smart – not as in dating a-hole after a-hole just for the sake of “dating”) and killing it in the dream arena are not only possible, but probable, when we have tracks to run in. So jump out of that hell wagon and lace up your sneaks, baby. We’re about to take back our power and OWN this ‘ish.
1. Make up your mind that you can and will do both well because of a little something you have in your back pocket called classy badassery.
You actually believing you are capable of dating and dream pursuing simultaneously is the majority of the battle, ma. It all starts with you and how you approach it. Bring your positive energy A-game and drop kick those mental demons that try to convince you that you can’t, you won’t, it’ll never, blah blah blah.
Write down your best case scenario of killing it in both arenas so you have a clear picture set before you of what you want and then TELL SOMEBODY. This will help keep you on track when you actually do the damn thing in real time. Also, surround yourself with girlfriends who are perfectly willing to grab you by the shoulders and shriek-sing ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ in your face when you most need it.
2. Practice being present – with yourself, with your date, and with your dreams.
All this really means is to be all in with everything you do. When you’re in a state of intentional self-reflection – be there. When you’re on a date – be there. When you’re working on taking over the world with your brilliance – be there.
Presence is so important. A lot of us are giant balls of non-excellence at this because it doesn’t actually come naturally to most people. Welcome to the wonderful world of practicing intentionality. When you show up having already made the decision to be fully present, you will be blown away by the results.
3. Guard your energy. Be choosey.
DO NOT DATE TOOL BAGS. DATE CLASSY GROWN ASS MEN.
If you accidentally let a douche canoe slip through the cracks of your whip smart lady boss mental clarity, know that we’ve all been there and we all feel your pain and disgust on a deep, primal, mad as hell level.
Blinding rage example: I once had a boyfriend – a boyfriend though, not just a date – reveal to me how much he hated paying for me for anything. He proceeded to take me out to eat at a dumpy fast food chain, handed me a coupon, and stood back and waited for me to pay for myself. After the meal, he informed me of how he thought it was stupid and unnecessary for men to hold doors for women and that he basically had no desire to perform even this minuscule act of human decency for me.
Alternatively, I just went on a first date two nights ago with a dude who drove well out of his way to pick me up and take me to the theatre in Hollywood. He covered tickets, parking, opened my car door for me after the show was over, kept conversation on the hour long car rides to and from the venue, made me laugh, paid for both of our late night dinners, got out of the car to hug me goodbye when he dropped me off, and was intentional to ask if he could take me out again.
Guess which type of fella holds mental, emotional, spiritual, and inspirational space for me to be fully present and alive in heart, dreams, creativity, and ground floor personhood? Yeah. Tough call, I know. We are incredibly influenced by the people we allow into our lives. When we are in the presence of BOY, BYE, we shrink. Our dreams actually take a hit because our energy takes a hit. Remaining positive and sharp around relational nonsense is basically impossible.
But when we’re in the presence of genuine kindness and care, we come alive. Our energy and drive increases exponentially. And truth? We need lots and lots and lots of aliveness when we decide to show up in the dream arena because even though it is a zillion times worth it, that shit is hard. Which leads me to the next point.
4. Make sure your date knows up front that you’re going for it in the dream arena and gage his support.
This means talk about your dreams and passions. A lot. If he’s altogether uninterested? Boy, bye. If he’s pretend interested and you can freaking sense that ‘ish from a great and mighty distance? Boy, BYE. If he’s interested the first couple dates and then does an about face? BOY, BYE.
But if he engages you, asks you questions because he’s genuinely curious, encourages you, and asks you how you’re feeling about all of it? Boy, HOLLER AT YOUR GIRL. We can all tell when people are interested in what we’re saying and when they’re just placating us. Gage this because it’s important. This is the melding of your heart and dreams we’re talking about here. In the same regard, find out what turns his dream light on. When you’re able to mutually encourage and get bent out of shape with brilliant, unfiltered excitement over each other’s passions and dreams – you’ve struck gold.
5. Put yourself out there.
You are a perfectly lovely badass broad. Own it. Show it off. WORK. IT. This sentiment does not hold space for the traditionally misguided shoot-me-down-but-I-won’t-fall-I-am-ti-taaaaa-niiiii-uuuum inner girl power rock anthem. It holds space for bare-assed vulnerability and that is all. This means you let yourself be seen. This means you open yourself up to possibility. This means you show up, enter in, plant your feet, and say YES.
Spoiler alert: basically, this shit is terrifying. And being scared out of your mind in the dream arena AND the potential romance arena at the same time is a knee-knocking, palms sweating, upchuck-reflexing double whammy for sure. No one is arguing that. However – vulnerability is exactly where your greatest strength lies. When you are willing to shed all your pretenses, all your too-cool-for-school armor, and actually embrace the full spectrum of your pink-underbellied humanity, something truly electric happens. You’re alive. And there’s something about electric life that draws more and more electric life to itself without even really trying.
So here’s where we’re at with all of this, my foxy femmes: You’ve got this. Everything you’re looking for in both love and life is yours for the taking. Bottom line. Now go GET it.
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